Posted in random, Uncategorized

A Body Bag and a Broken Stretcher

For those of you who don’t know, I live across the street from the back door of a mortuary. As such, I see shit. I always know when the casket company is there, unloading the new models, I know when a service is going on, as I can see cars entering/leaving en masse, and sometimes….I see the body bags.
Usually when bodies within body bags are brought, it always seems to be the middle of the night, for obvious reasons, I suppose. Well today at about noon, I headed into my kitchen to make myself some lunch, and saw a man and woman unloading a body bag.
When they do this, it’s very discreet. The bag is placed on an ambulance stretcher (the kind with the legs with wheels that pop open to full height) and wheeled in, and they do it with the utmost care and respect. Well today, the stretcher wouldn’t accommodate them.
As soon as I saw it, I said (out loud to nobody), “Holy crap, a body bag in daylight!” I then watched as they put in on the stretcher. The legs popped out on one side, but not the other.
I sat and watched while they struggled and struggled to make it work, while this body bag lay at a 45 degree angle, and slowly started to SLIDE DOWN A BIT.
Did I mention that this back door is also next to a rather large parking garage? And that cars were going in and out and could see all this happening?
It was horrifying.
Because I’m an asshole, it was also FUCKING HYSTERICAL.
In the end, they finally gave up and wheeled it in, on it’s 45 degree angle, like they had Aunt Bertha in a wheelbarrow.

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Posted in random

I am A Pixar Character

I think everyone has that one Pixar character that they relate to.  That one that is just so THEM.  For me, at first it was Wall-E.  The fact that I identified with a freaking ROBOT of all things is highly amusing to me.  Then it was Merida from Brave, from her badass bow and arrow (I shot for many years and was DAMN good), to her fighting for her own hand to decide when (and if) she chose to marry.  But I have finally found the Pixar character that is so much like me, so true to my life, that I suspect that they had someone follow me around to get information.
People, I am a character from Moana.

I am Hei-Hei.

Yes, I am referring to that derp ass chicken.

I swear that is ME.

This chicken never really knows what the Hell is going on, and just kind of derps his way through life.
Last week, I actually wrote down a date as 2013.  I have no idea what is going on.  And day by day, I just kinda go around all “derp derp derp”… I seriously think I might be part muppet.
Dorky, derpy, and 100% me….Hei-Hei, the Derp Ass Chicken.  We even kind of look alike.

 

Posted in random

Bartering

I know, I know, I’ve been gone for awhile, so sue me.  And now that I’m back, I have a question for you:
I have heard before that in small town America, the bartering system is alive and well. Is this true? Have you (or someone you know) experienced it? If so, please tell me about it! Did a gas station let you mop the floor for some gas for your car? Did a restaurant let you bus some tables for soup and a sandwich?
Please let me know, I want to see if this is true.  While I doubt a Starbucks would give you coffee for sweeping off their walkway, a local mom and pop type place might, and that’s what I want to hear about!barter-system-online-1-638

Posted in random

Was “The Wizard of Oz” a Cautionary Tale?

I think about this movie quite a bit (see my entry “Glinda the Good Witch Is a Psycho”).    I’ve wondered for years if maybe the movie was a cautionary tale.  Yes, I know it was based on the series of children’s books by L. Frank Baum, but even so, I think I may be right.

 

Let’s take a look at Dorothy Gale.  In the books, she was a child, 10 years old.  But in the movie, she was obviously MUCH older.  In real life, Judy Garland was 17. I’m not sure if this is true, but I read somewhere that they made her bind her breasts in an attempt to look younger, but it didn’t work.  Sister had a huge rack.

 

But that plays right into my cautionary tale as well.

 

The “Dust Bowl Migration”, as it was called, happened during the 1930’s.  The midwest was mostly farmland at the time. It had been overfarmed to death, and there was a severe drought that came in three waves: 1934, 1936, and 1939, but some places had a straight through drought lasting 8 years.  The topsoil (and any seeds farmed in it) pretty much blew away. It started in 1930 and lasted roughly 9 years, until 1939, affecting parts of Texas, New Mexico, Colorado, Nebraska, Kansas, and Oklahoma. The Great Depression (1929 – 1939) was already in full swing.  So now you had people who couldn’t afford food, and there wasn’t much to be had. Farmers couldn’t even grow enough to feed their own families, and were losing their land, either due to being unable to pay their mortgage, or because there was no point in keeping it when the ground was useless.

Many decided to head West, mainly to California.

I’m sure many of these people had stars in their eyes.  They would become a famous actor or actress, and be rich, and never have to worry again.  The streets would be paved with gold. I have no doubt that many then (as now) were taken advantage of by unscrupulous people, looking to take whatever they had from them, however little it was.  Surely there were some very pretty ladies who got into some very bad situations.

 

But this is where the warnings of The Wizard of Oz come in.  You’re going to California (Oz) to be a star? It’s a very strange place (Munchkinland).  There will be many strange, downright freakish, people, that may be thoughtless, heartless, and cowardly (The Scarecrow, the Tin Man, and the Lion).
There may be someone who can help you (Glinda the Good Witch), but watch that they don’t turn on you (The Wicked Witch of the West).  Don’t trust the men (The Great and Powerful Oz), they will say anything to gain your trust (pay no attention to the man behind the curtain, and of course I will take you home in my hot air balloon).  At the end of the day, when it’s all said and done, you will realize that THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE HOME.

 

What do you think?

 

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buried farm equipment in Dallas, South Dakota in 1936Dust_Bowl_-_Dallas,_South_Dakota_1936

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Posted in review

V.I.Poo & PooPourri

Although this is a review, it’s not sponsored.

It’s funny, I ordered V.I.Poo (lemon scented of course) online, and it got delivered the same day that the mom unit came home from Bed, Bath, and Beyond with a bottle of PooPourri (vanilla mint scented).
We anxiously awaited a time where one of us needed to…y’know.  Anyhow, it wasn’t long.  According to both bottles, they tell you to spray 3 to 5 times before you do your business.  Maybe we just aren’t that bad, because 1 to 2 spritzes work just fine for us.  If you’ve got a MAN SIZE STINK, you may need 5 spritzes, who knows?
Anywho, you spray it right into the toilet on the water before you do your thing.

Our verdict is that they both work equally well, and if memory serves (we got these last month), the prices were close.  The bottles are small, but actually, if you’re only using a few spritzes each time you do a number 2, it’s plenty.  BONUS: they are small enough to carry in your purse for when you’re out in public and need to…drop it like it’s hot.  I was glad I brought mine when I had to use the toilet in the doctor’s office.  Those girls are so nice, I didn’t want them to gag from the stench.
The V.I.Poo we have is 1.85 ounces, the PooPourri is 4 ounces, the bottles are cute, and can sit on the back of your toilet until you need to used them (or hang out in your bag).
Final verdict?  Silly names, yes.  But it’s high time an actual product worked the way this does.  Our bathroom smells lemony fresh or like vanilla and mints instead of like some horrible perfumed air freshener and poop.

FIVE STARS!

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Posted in random, Uncategorized

R.I.P. Net Neutrality

With net neutrality dead in the water, likely this blog is too.  I am unemployed and cannot afford to pay for internet for things like this.  As it is, I don’t know how I’ll afford to pay for it to look for a job.  It was fun while it lasted.
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Posted in random

First Horror Movies

The first scary movie I ever saw was Poltergeist.  I was maybe 8 or 9, and I probably shouldn’t have watched it.  As a child, I was NOT into scary movies AT ALL.  I watched it because I was spending the night at a friend’s house, and it was on cable.  It scarred me for life (it’s the main reason I hate clowns).  I didn’t watch any horror movies for years afterward.

Fast forward to a few years later at a friends slumber party.  The first horror movie we watched there was one from 1982 called Pieces.  We spent most of the movie laughing at the clothes and hairdos and atrocious acting.  Then we watched a movie that I can never forget.

We watched Sleepaway Camp.

If you have watched this movie, YOU KNOW.  You know and I don’t even have to say anything.  If you haven’t seen this movie, please do so.  It’s got a twist ending that to this day makes people’s eyes pop right out of their head.  You spend most of the movie trying to figure out who the killer is, and when it’s revealed…..let’s just say that M. Night Shyamalan WISHES he could do a twist like this.
Let me say, that was my first time ever seeing a penis (and I am giving away nothing by saying this).  I wasn’t even sure what I was looking at.  I was 11.  I turned to my friend and said, “Is that a guy’s thing?”  And she said, “Yeah.”  I was absolutely HORRIFIED by it.  Not the penis itself, just that it was so hairy.  I mean you could barely see it in all that hair.  It really confused me.  Seriously, in all of my life, I’ve never seen one so damn hairy.

What horror movies scarred you for life?
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